Showing posts with label life drama. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life drama. Show all posts

Thursday, 24 April 2014

My Epi-Lasik Experience

I recently went for a eye-correction surgery and there have been lots of people asking me how it went, how was the procedure like, was it painful, etc.

I thought I might as well share my experience here, where everyone can read it. Do note though, that this is merely my personal experience with the procedure. Do not take this as direct reference.

So the surgery that I went for was epi-Lasik, which is actually an enhanced (and safer) version of Lasik.

Differences between Lasik and Epi-Lasik
The standard Lasik procedure includes cutting a flap in the cornea. After the lasering is done, the flap is covered back and left to heal on its own. Risks of this procedure include trapped dust under the flap and uneven flap recovery. Furthermore, there will be permanent scarring which means that even if your eyesight becomes worse in the future, a second surgery cannot be done and it is not advisable to wear contact lenses.

Epi-Lasik, on the other hand, is a flap-free procedure. Epi-Lasik can be a better option for patients with thin corneas, where Lasik may not be suitable for them. It is slightly more costly than the traditional Lasik, but it poses less risk (Note: I said LESS risk, but still not entirely risk free). Instead, Epi-Lasik involves the removal of only the superficial layer of epithelium, which heals itself in a few days. If myopia returns, a second surgery is possible, depending on the eye conditions at that time.

Research and cost
After some research, I chose Clearvision Eye Clinic, as it was highly recommended and I had friends who went there for their surgery before. Their doctor was Dr Tony Ho, who is an experienced and certified eye surgeon.

Location of the clinic is conveniently located just in front of Mount Elizabeth Hospital (Orchard).

Their Epi-Lasik package was $3388 for two eyes, which includes a full evaluation, the actual surgery, full set of initial medication, and post-op reviews for the 1st month.

Pre-Lasik Evaluation
Because the clinic only opens during office hours and half day on Saturday, I had some difficulty scheduling an appointment for the initial evaluation. The only time slot I had was Saturday morning, which I arrived at 9.30am, feeling so damn sleepy.

They let me fill in a form for registration, and after taking down my details, I was told to wait. After like 30 mins, I was led to a room for a vision test. And then led me to wait outside again. And then another room for another test. And then another. I lost track.

Finally when all the tests were done, I was led to yet another room where a guy sat me down and showed me the initial test results. My cornea was slightly thinner than average, but still possible for the surgery. He played an informative video which describes the process and what to expect. He also explained the procedure, and told me I would be given medication and a pair of sunglasses to wear after the surgery. (He told me the sunglasses would "look cool". I naively believed him.) He also gave me some leaflets on eye-care instructions, and allowed me to ask as many questions as I wanted. I was told that on the day of surgery, I was not allowed to wear any make-up or perfume.

After that, I was told to walk over to Mount Elizabeth Hospital (Level 3) to go directly to the doctor's office. It was like super crowded and I had wait even more for more tests. GAHHHHH...

After I was done, I scheduled another date for the actual surgery (which can be scheduled any time, as soon as the following day, up to 6 months later). My surgery was scheduled to be in two weeks time. I paid the initial cost of the evaluation, which cost $85.60 (deductible from the actual surgery cost of $3388).

The entire evaluation process (plus waiting time) took about slightly over 2 hours.

Day of Surgery - Day 1 (Friday)
My surgery was scheduled to be on a Friday at 4.30pm (I took a half day leave from work). After work, I went to the restroom to remove my make-up and freshen up, had lunch, and went for a brief window shopping at Ion while waiting for time to pass.

I arrived at the clinic at 4pm. I was given a few forms to fill in, and to sign some consent forms which basically states that I have read and understood the risks and that I will not hold the clinic liable should any complications arise. After reading the entire thing throughly (more waiting time), a lady went through the forms with me again verbally and then I was given the full set of medication: 4 different types of eye drops (which include antibiotics, steroids, and whatnot), vitamin C tablets, sterile eye wipes, and sleeping pills (just in case). I was also given a pair of sunglasses (which were hideous!! The guy lied!!!!)

ugly shades!

After more waiting time, I was led to the cashier to make payment before the surgery.

After payment (more waiting time), I was given a blue surgery gown, a 'shower cap' thingy to wear on my head, and a pair of 'disposable slippers' to cover my feet. I also had to wear a surgical mask. One of my eye was covered with a plastic shield and the other eye was left exposed. I sat there and I waited... and waited... and waited... the doctor took like FOREVER to arrive. =(

THE ACTUAL SURGERY!!
By the time the doctor arrived, it was already like 6+pm (I thought my surgery was supposed to be at 4.30pm?!). He was really nice and friendly and made me feel at ease immediately. I was led into the surgery room and told to lie on the surgery bed. My head was clamped in place.

Here's a photo of me at the surgery bed, and the doctor and his assistant getting ready:

There I am, just lying waiting for the surgery to begin


The doctor then clamped one of my eye open and started the surgery. First, I felt this irritating (and slightly tingly and painful) feeling over my right eye and my vision became black. I think this is the part where the top layer is removed. After that, I could see again but my eye felt really raw and like kind of "exposed". The doctor told me to focus on the red blinking light above, and he started the laser (the laser was green). As the laser worked its magic, I started to smell a burnt smell and the white ceiling slowly turned black until all I could see was the red blinking light and nothing else. This part wasn't painful, to say the least. The laser lasted for about 15 seconds, and then the doctor immediately squirted a generous amount of liquid into my eye to cool it and wiped it clean (like, literally wiped the EYEBALL). Then, a contact lens was put over my eye (which is supposed to be left there for at least 5 days to protect my eyes while they recover, and will be removed by the doctor after my eye heals completely). The same process was repeated on my left eye.

The clinic was nice enough to take an after shot of me and the doc:

Successful surgery!

After surgery 
Immediately after the surgery, I was led to another room to rest. My eyes started to sting and I could not open them at all. I was told to close my eyes and rest, while the clinic assistant administered my first dose of antibiotics and steroid eye drops, in 10 min intervals.

The clinic was nice enough to help me call a cab. By the time the cab arrived, it was already 7pm and I was feeling SO TIRED. I was literally blind at that time, as I could not open my eyes at all. They were feeling severely irritated. Upon arriving home, I stumbled home and went straight to bed. Word of advice: Get someone to accompany you home after the surgery. Even taking a cab, riding alone was scary while being vision impaired.

Day 2 (Saturday)
I awoke the next morning and my vision was blur, which was expected in the initial recovery stage. I basically bummed around at home the whole day doing nothing, except keeping track of my eye drop time table. I kept napping every few hours, as my eyes got really really tired very easily. Basically the entire day was spent alternating between putting eye drops and napping. Prepare yourself for a few boring days ahead, as you will not feel comfortable enough to leave the house, nor being able to read, use the computer, or the TV. My eyes felt really dry.

Day 3 (Sunday)
I woke up feeling felt slightly better (even though my eyesight worsened even more, which was expected) so I decided to go out for brunch (of course, not forgetting my shades and my cap).

With the ugly shares and cap. I look like a celebrity, no?

Bad idea!!! Upon stepping out of the house, the sun felt extremely bright and even while wearing shades, I had to keep my head down to avoid the sun. One hour after being outdoors, I became tired and sleepy (due to tired eyes) and was already craving my warm comfy bed. After a short trip outdoors, I rushed back home and continued my routine of napping and eye dropping. My eyes were still dry, and I had to constantly remind myself not to rub my eyes or touch my eyes.

Day 4 (Monday - On Leave)
My eyesight seemed much better today, but still not good enough for reading. I got so bored I resorted to downloading audio books (why didn't I think of that earlier??) I felt slightly better so I went outdoors to get some fresh air, but as usual, I got tired after a few hours of being outdoors. Eyes still feeling dry, and still constantly feeling tired. I was beginning to worry that I wouldn't recover in time to go back to work.

Day 4 (Tuesday - On Leave)
Today is my next appointment with the doctor! I went back to Mt Elizabeth hospital for my checkup and to remove my contact lenses. However, the doctor said my eyes were not recovering as quickly as expected, so he told me to visit him at his other clinic at Bedok 1 day later. The doctor told me to reduce the frequency of the eye drops to 3 times a day, instead of the initial drop every 3-4 hours. Which is a good sign, I guess.

Later that evening, still wearing my shades, I popped by my work office to clear some stuff. My colleagues happily welcomed me back and thanks to my awkward looking shades, some teasing ensued.

I had some difficulty checking emails, as I couldn't read very well yet.

Day 5 (Wednesday - back to work!)
Thankfully, my eyesight was much better when I arrived at the office that morning, though I was still wearing my shades the entire time. The hard part of adapting was having to wear ugly shades even while being indoors (my office has huge glass windows which is like the floor to ceiling kind, so it was really bright) and having to keep to my eye drop schedule. I would sometimes forget to use my eye drops, especially when I got really busy.

That evening, after work, I went over to the clinic at Bedok to remove my contact lenses. I felt liberated yet so exposed and slightly uncomfortable. The doctor then stopped two of my eye drops, and reduced to only one type of eye drop. He also gave me additional lubricants to be used as frequently as needed. I was scheduled to return for a follow up check up 1 week later.

Day 6 - Day 11 (1 week)
Work resumed as usual, and I learned to adapt to my dry eyes and blurriness. My vision initially got better, but then worsened again. It kind of happened overnight. One night it was good, and then the next morning when I awoke, my sight became blur. I called the clinic to ask if I should be concerned, but the guy said as long as I did not feel any pain or experience any discharge, it should be fine. The blurriness continued for a few days and I had much difficulty reading the computer screen. I had to squint. On most mornings when I wake up, my eyes are so dry that I have difficulty opening them.

I developed a new nickname, my colleagues started calling me a celebrity because I was wearing shades all the time at work (like a celebrity does, LOL)

Day 12 
I went back for a follow up at the clinic. The doctor checked my eyes and said my eyes were still healing slower than normal. I raised my concern of my eyesight getting more and more blur, but the doctor said its normal for my eyesight to fluctuate in the initial period. He took me off the eyedrops and prescribed me yet another kind, to be used 2 times a day. I was scheduled for yet another checkup 1 week later.

Day 13 - Day 18 
My eyesight was improving, and my eyes were starting to get less dry. Eventually I stopped wearing sunglasses at the office, unless it was to go out for lunch. I relied less and less on the lubricating drops, and my vision was improving.

Day 19
I went back to the clinic for a followup, as scheduled. Upon the eye check, the doctor said my healing was still slow, and advised me to increase the drop frequency from 2 times to 3 times a day. Instead of 1 week, I was scheduled for another follow up 2 weeks later. *yay my eye checkup frequency is finally reducing!!*

Day 20 (today!)
Well, here I am blogging away so you can probably tell I am well enough *yay*! =D

Even though I was advised to wear shades for at least 1-2 months after surgery, sometimes I will "forget" to wear shades outdoors, as my eyes are quite comfortable with the sun by now. However, sometimes I still get eye strain if i stare at the computer for too long.

Eyesight isn't perfect yet, but dry eyes are gone (even though I still use lubricating drops as frequently as I can, just in case). I am still on prescribed eye drops, while waiting for my next appointment two weeks later.

I guess it should probably be smooth-sailing from now on, so I guess here ends my journey of epi-lasik.

Overall, it was a good experience and I am so glad I did this, ending my slavery to glasses and contact lenses!!!

Pretty me without glasses!!!!!

**HIP HIP HOORAY!**

P.S.: I'm still being known as The Celebrity at work. Hee.






Friday, 16 September 2011

Removal of my braids

I'm not offended by all the dumb-blonde jokes because I know that I'm not dumb. I also know I'm not blonde. 
 ~Dolly Parton

Remember how I did my braids last summer while I was in the States?

You didn't get to see them being made, so at least I'll show you how they're being removed.

It was a painful process. Not only physically painful, but mentally torturing as well, especially when clumps of hair dropped of my own head. 

If you're a fellow female, I'm sure you understand that kind of pain. 



If the video doesn't load, click here to watch directly from Youtube.

Thursday, 15 September 2011

The name's Rachel.

"A rose by any other name would sound as sweet."
-William Shakespeare-

It's the 6th academic week already (and recess week is coming real soon omg).

=(

I have not started studying yet!!!

Plus, my FYP progress is zilch.

I try to stay in my room to study, but I somehow always end up doing something else.

Nevermind.

I don't think readers come here to read about my rants anyway.

Hey, I know! Would you like to hear about the stupid ang moh lady who pissed me off a few months ago? Yeah?? That'd seem like something people are generally interested in, right? Listening to the plights of others...

So it was back in May when I went to the US to work and travel (and I'm not even done uploading pictures of them yet. I'm such a procrastinator). Upon arrival, I went to check in to the employees hostel. The HR behind the counter asked us for details like travel documents, passports, stuff like that.

After all that hassle shit, she turned at me and said "What's your name?"

I said "Rachel."

"No, I want your legal name."

"Yeah, it's Rachel."

"No, I don't want any nicknames. I mean, I want your legal name as it is in your passport."

"Yeah, Rachel is in my passport."

"Let me see your passport."

So she takes my passport, reads my name, and keys it into her computer (presumably the employee list).

You could tell from that conversation she was pretty stupid.

Why can't an Asian have a first name as Rachel?? Considering the fact that you're in HR and that's an employees housing quarter where international students come in and out each season, I'm sure you have worked with Asians long enough to know that SOME OF US HAVE FIRST NAMES IN ENGLISH, BIATCH.

So anyway, a few days later was our orientation day and guess who was there to conduct it? Yes, teh biatch.

To make things worse, she had a horrible Southern accent which made listening to her a pain to my ears.

Later, she called our names one by one for the printing of our employee card.

You guessed it. She called me by my chinese name, "Jia Ru" because that's what she apparently had on her employee list. So that probably mean that on the first day when I showed her my passport, she MISSED the "Rachel" on purpose, right? RIGHT???

What, now, just because I'm Asian I can't have an English name? "Jia Ru" is more of a middle name to me, so how would YOU like it if I started calling you by your middle name instead?

Ignoring my name on purpose after seeing it VERY OBVIOUSLY PRINTED on my passport (i.e. A VERY LEGAL DOCUMENT) is just plain effin' disrespectful, that's what I'd say.

In the end, my employee card read "Jia Ru Liew".

When it came to name tag printing, I requested it to be printed as "Rachel", when she conveniently announced: "You may use your nick names on your name tags, but not on official documents, okay?"

Yeah, yeah, just shut the F*** up. 

For the next 6 weeks of work, whenever some ang mohs saw my name tag, they'd go "Is 'Rachel' your real name?", and I'd have to explain the situation to them.

Liew out.


Monday, 5 September 2011

Zzzz...





This is what my boyfriend does when I'm taking a nap.

Wednesday, 15 June 2011

It's alright by me.

"I've got a roof over my head ... and it's alright by me."
-Darius Rucker-

Time taken to travel from Singapore to America: 40 phreaking hours! Yes, yes I know I mentioned that already previously, but I just felt like mentioning it again. So there.

(Gah, I hate it that Blogger does not have auto spelling correction; I'm so used to iPad auto correcting my spellings for me all the time - yes, I bought an iPad, more on that later)

Yes, yes, I know I haven't updated my blog for the longest time ever; trust me, I feel guilty almost every single day. But work is exhausting and I get sooooo lazy when I arrive back in my dorm; I just want to get some human interaction going and eat some food. 

I thought I would make it a point not to acknowledge my tardiness from now on, but I guess my guilt got the better of me. 

So. 

Where did I leave off since the last time I was here?

Ah, yes. I said I would blog about my recent birthday celebration. And upload photos taken so far. And then about that crazy ang moh lady who pissed me off. Actually, I figured I wanted to do a vlog about that, but my laziness got the better of me, so I guess I'll just type it out the traditional way; though most of you probably won't be holding your interest for lengthy (read: wordy) blog posts, save for the minority left who still prefer reading blogs as compared to viewing photos and watching vlogs. 

First off, here are some photos taken during the 40-hour airport hopping; the rest can be viewed on my Facebook profile, or, alternatively, click here. 

Pictures are categorized by airports (LCCT and KLIA photos not available):

1. Changi Airport (Singapore)

Can you see us?

napping @ Changi Airport
@ the mini garden


Our plane!
Jetting off! 



2. Narita Airport (Japan)

Long check-in queue!

In the plane, filling out some white card thingy.

Plane food. 
3. Detroit Metro Airport (US)
They have express trains bringing us to the boarding gates, cos there were too many gates there and it was too far to walk.

The express train map.

In the express train. We took it from one end to the other end, and then back again. People must think we were insane.

Some fountain we saw.

Some light-tunnel thingy

Washing up in the restroom

Upon arrival in Richmond, we were all pretty wasted. 

***

Ang mohs here are actually pretty nice. I managed to make friends with a few people already. Westerners are definitely more friendly as compared to people from back home, i.e., Malaysia/Singapore. 

2 things I love most about the States so far: People and food.

2 things I hate most about the States so far: People and food. 

Go figure.

Life in the States is pretty good so far. Sure, there are some things I'm still not quite getting used to, like the use of quarters (who the heck produces 25 cent coins?? It's so confusing) and pennies (one cent coins?? Who are we kidding?), and the vehicles that keep to the right instead of left, and the use of Pounds and Fahrenheit instead of Kilograms and Celsius. The list could go on and on, but over all, I am pretty much happy with my life here right now. I'm not saying its the best, but this I know: It will be an experience of a lifetime. New friends, new community, new surroundings, new foods.

I have so far learned to love pop tarts, Krispy Kreme doughnuts, and all foods American. 

My current dorm isn't the best place to live in (makes me miss the halls of residences in NTU; I shall appreciate NTU's halls more from now on), but as Darius Rucker puts it, "I've got a roof over my head ... and it's alright by me."

***

Stay tuned for future updates which may include: Current life in the States (complete with illustrations, too!), current work environment, my 21st birthday celebration, rant about some ang moh lady who pissed me off, and... *cheng cheng cheng* my recent purchase of the iPad 2!

Wednesday, 25 May 2011

FML.

''Today, I woke up and looked in the mirror and noticed that my face was covered in glitter. I asked my wife about it and she said she put it on me while I was sleeping so that I would sparkle like Edward from Twilight when I'm in the sunlight. FML''

-FML website-

So it's my third day in the US now. So much to tell, so little enthusiasm.

Where shall I start?

I know this blog entry should probably warrant hordes of photos, but I still haven't gotten around to transferring the photos from my camera yet.

You know I'm always lazy when it comes to things like that.

So the day before I flew off, on the 20th of May, Little Grass celebrated my birthday with me at Timbre!!

Photos galore!!!

Not.

Okay, okay I'll upload them once I get around to transferring them onto the computer.

(Oops, it's already May, my birthday has come and gone, and I still haven't gotten around to uploading/blogging about Kevin's birthday party. I shall do both events in one blog post. Some time in the future. I'll do it, promise.)

So this entry isn't really about my birthday (as mentioned, I shall do a separate one for that later); it's about my horrifying Journey To The West.

So.

I flew from Singapore Changi Airport to Malaysia's LCCT at 1 p.m.. Transferred to KLIA, and took a flight back t o Changi Airport at 9 p.m.. Slept at the airport, and then took a flight from Changi Airport to Narita Airport (Tokyo, Japan) at 6 a.m..Took another damn long flight from Narita Airport to Detroit Metro Airport. Then, finally, internal flight from Detroit to Richmond, Virginia.

If you have noticed, please don't ask me why I had to fly from Singapore to Malaysia and back to Singapore again. In short, it was cheaper that way.

Entire trip took me 40 hours, a sore throat, chapped lips, and awfully dry and peeling skin.

Not to mention, constipation and feeling fat from sitting around all day eating plane food.

Can you believe that throughout the entire journey, I didn't even watch one single plane movie. Not even one.

They had such a wide range of selection of really, really good movies that I always wanted to watch but didn't have the chance to! I don't know how I missed it. I kept telling myself "I'll watch it later, I have a looong flight," and before I knew it, we were landing already.

I lost my glasses in the process. I was sleeping in the plane and when I woke, my glasses were no where to be found.

FML.

I tried to go to the optometrist at Walmart, but the lady said I needed a prescription from an eye doctor, who charges ridiculously, considering it's just a simple eye check-up and prescription. Not that I blame the doc, I've heard that medical charges are expensive like that in the US. Further more, after getting the prescription, I still need to pay a separate amount for a pair of glasses.

So for the rest of this entire US trip, I shall be depending solely on my contact lenses alone. FML. 

And then, if that isn't bad enough, when we arrived at Detroit, I retrieved my luggage bag only to find that the zipper lock was no where to be found and the zipper was slightly open.

I did a quick check on my things inside, but I didn't realize anything was missing until I checked into my dormitory, where I realized my pouch that contains RM 500 was missing. FML MAX.

Seriously, man. Could this trip get ANY worse.

I was in a horribly foul mood for the rest of the day in the US.

Come 2nd day, I felt much better. Visited Walmart. Had our first decent meal in a Chinese restaurant. So much for flying all the way to the west, just to eat something that could easily be found back home. Irony much?

Bought groceries, and ingredients for a homemade sandwich.

Apparently, there isn't any food establishments open around this area at night (except for Burger King which is open during the day but is horribly expensive and is about a 10 minute walk away - you know how much I hate walking) so we either starve or make our own food.

Most people cook here, but you know my thoughts on the ratio of time spent preparing the food to the time spent eating it. It's value is never larger than 0.5.

So today was spent procrastinating around, and before I knew it, it's already midnight.

I guess that's all for today... Except for the part where this stupid Ang Moh lady pissed me off.

But I'm not in the mood to rant right now, so I shall leave it for another day.

Boy, do I have lots to blog about. I think I'll have to make a list:

1. Blog about Kevin's birthday and my birthday celebration.
2. The incident where the Ang Moh lady pissed me off.
3. Another separate blog entry dedicated to photos taken so far on this trip.
4. Not about blogging, but it's related: Upload photos onto Facebook!!

I know this blog entry isn't much (probably bored you off halfway through) but I am not in the mood right now. Wit zero. Creativity zero. Inspiration zero.

Hence this shitty and crappy stuff. 

Friday, 20 May 2011

21.

"Finally 21, and legally able to do everything I've been doing since 15."
~ Anonymous

Iiiiiit'sss...

My.

Birthday!

Not just any ordinary birthday, but the day I officially turn 21.

You got that right, adults who think you can show me no respect but on the other hand expect me to respect you just because y'all older than me.

I am officially an adult, just like all of you, and regardless of age, I expect to be given the same respect as everyone else.

If you haven't noticed, society doesn't put much emphasis on age, as much as they do on capabilities and self-worth.

Whatever. At least now I get the chance to show no respect to lil' kids.


*Okay, okay. Kidding.*

Aaaaanddd...

My exam is finally OVER OVER OVER. I cannot reiterate enough on how awful the past few days were. Worst. Exam. Experience. Ever.

Probably (mostly) due to the fact that I didn't study at all, and did last minute cramming (which honestly, seldom works, unless you're a super genius) which was horrid coz then I got panic attacks (yes, literally) which made me unable to study. An experience so horrifying that I can find no suitable words to describe the trauma I've been through (okay, maybe being a lil too dramatic here but you get my point).

AAAAANNNDD...

Off I fly to the United States of Amewikka in about another 30 hours!

See you soon!

XOXO

Wednesday, 6 April 2011

Some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this

"The only real failure in life is the failure to try."
-Unknown Author-



I'm not bragging, just sharing my happiness for achieving my lifelong dream.

I know for now it's nothing much, but still. Let's wait and see where this goes. 

Saturday, 26 February 2011

The Lair

i feel naked without my wallet.
-Chor Beng, Facebook-

Sorry for the extended non-existence.

Was lazy + busy + avoiding getting killed by overwhelming load of projects/meetings/assignments.


The messiest/stinkiest ever achieved so far. Looking for anyone who can beat my record
















My room just got messier. Thought I'd capture the moment.

P.S.: Preview of Kevin's 21st (CRAAAZAYY) birthday party:

(He's wearing a girl's shirt.)

Loads to come. Keep yeh eyes peeled. =)

Saturday, 5 February 2011

perfectly shut.

"I don't write very well, but it is a joy to pen down everything."
-Denise Khoo, Facebook-

You may forget that I love you, but believe it or not, I actually do. I know you love me too, and I really do appreciate it. I know all the many things you have done for me, and I do realize that I mean the world to you.

It's just that, sometimes it's just so hard, you know?

You always do these things to make me so sad and miserable, and I hate it even more that I have to pretend that it's not affecting me in anyway. I hate it that I have to pretend that I'm normal, when in fact, I'm not. I'm broken. The thing that hurts the most is the fact that I try to pretend that nothing's wrong, even though there is. The thing that hurts the most is the fact that I actually have to muster up the strength to act okay, when other people are being effortlessly okay.

They're okay because they are. I'm okay coz I'm putting in lots of effort to be.

You broke me, and sometimes I get so upset for that. The fact that I have to pretend that you did not manage to break me, that's worse. I love you, and it's so hard sometimes. Sometimes your lack of common sense and lack of respect for others make me so angry that I leave my body, and watch it while it becomes this whole other being and it starts acting up and getting all crazy and bitchy. I watch helplessly from a far as a whole other monster takes over my body and start spewing words I never knew ever existed in my vocabulary, and doing things I never knew my body was capable of. The worst part is that, sometimes, when my body isn't actually doing those things, I find myself imagining my body doing it instead. When it's all over, I feel so guilty for doing this to you, because I know you love me and I know I had hurt you.

I wished you would stop do this to me: Making me so angry and having this monster engulf me and making my body do and say things that would hurt you and in effect hurting me back because I know I have hurt the person I love.

I'm just so tired of all this, you know? Why can't you just stop and be a normal person for once? This vicious cycle of me getting angry, me leaving my own body, my body doing crazy stuff, and then being engulfed with guilt for doing those things... This... this is wearing me out.

Just fucking stop now before I break, okay? Just fucking stop.

I'm not okay anymore, and you know why? It's your fault. I love you, I really do. But yeah, I blame you. I blame you for these emotional scars that may never heal. I blame you for doing crazy stuff and for forcing me to hurt you and then, in effect, hurting myself.

I've never admitted this before, but I'm not normal. I may look like it from the outside, but I'm actually not.

This happy, sociable girl you see? It's all a mask.

I'm broken, and it's time I stepped up and admit it. It's time I stopped hiding it, because I should be mature enough to know that this is nothing to be embarrassed about, that this isn't my fault.

I'm tired of pretending all this hasn't left a single scar on me, hasn't affected my studies, hasn't made me feel like I'd sometimes rather stay in Singapore than go back to my own home in Penang.

Sure, I'd miss home sometimes, but you know what I'd really miss when I think of home? I miss my huge double sized bed. I miss my air conditioned room. I miss my personal attached bathroom and huge walk-in closet/vanity corner. I miss the huge personal space that I have. I miss the clean environment that I seldom have over here in Singapore because I don't have a house helper to clean up after me on campus.

Sure, I'd miss you too. And her. And him. And everyone else in Penang. But I don't miss home per-se. I only miss the shell of it. I miss the house, not the home.I know this is cruel to say, but I guess in a way, it is true.

At the end of the day, after much contemplation, I sometimes almost think that I'd be happier far far away here in Singapore.

I wished I had the courage to say all this to you, but I don't. As of now, I shall keep my mouth perfectly shut and pray that you'll come to your senses, because I have a feeling that even if I were to tell you, it would never make any sense to you.

I am so confused, you know? I don't even know what to think anymore. It's like... I love you, but I always tend to avoid you, and I get so upset because I can't get near to the person I love, and it hurts even more to watch you being avoided by your loved one and you being so sad and lonely, and it makes me want to get close to you so that you wouldn't be lonely anymore, but then I realize that I can't.

I get so confused I could almost kill myself.

I hate it that you're doing this to me, you know? Making me so confused.

I think the only sensible thing to do right now would be to stop pretending. Stop pretending that I didn't get hurt, and stop pretending my life is perfect, because whether I like it or not, I. Got. Hurt.

Sometimes I want to cry so much, but I always held back my tears because I thought that if I didn't, the pretense would be over and I'd become this weak scarred and broken girl. Never did I realize that the fact that I was struggling to hold back and to push all these into the back of my mind and live on with my happy superficial life only made it even clearer to me how much it had affected me.

Until now.

It affected me to the point that I had to actually pretend I was happy with my life, while others genuinely were.

Stop now.

For your sake, for my sake, and for everyone else's that you love. It hurts me to see you so sad and lonely, and it hurts me to see you see me avoid you. For your sake, just stop.

Before it's too late.

Monday, 20 December 2010

unveil the surprise.

Anybody still buying the "December 21st 2012 is the end of time" thing? No? Oh.
-Terry Mun-

First, an intro:


Before I unveil the surprise.

Last weekend was...

Eventful.

Okay before last weekend.

Took Tuesday and Wednesday off work to go shopping with family who came to visit.

Bought couple of stuffs.

Cute shoes. Shorts + two cute skirts. Sweater and blouse from Esprit. Shall not upload photos here, coz they're just common items (plus, too lazy to snap pictures) except for the shoes coz they were really cute:


Just held it up to Photo Booth and snapped. For convenience sake.

Cute, right??? Only $39. =)

Wore them to work, even my boss noticed and commented. *grins*

Finally, some decent shoes I can wear to lab without having to lace/velcro/wear socks. 

Yes, I'm that lazy.

Now, to last weekend. 

Lazy to type, here are pics:





Cousin and I wearing cute santa hat clip ons. Bought them at $5 each for charity.
Camwhoring.



Crazy man doing funny dance moves.


Silver man + his wife??




As a token of thanks, I received a $30 voucher from Exxon. Decided to spend them on this REALLY CUTE IRRESISTIBLE collectible limited edition Domokun figurine:

OMFG SO CUTE.

It was freaking FORTY. SINGAPORE. DOLLARS. I would never have bought it, if not for the free $30 voucher from Exxon. It's now sitting in my room, in it's unopened box. Shall leave it that way. No way I'm gonna let my precious lil Domo out of the box to sit outside exposed to dust and susceptible to falls.

At around 3 p.m., received an SMS from Reebonz about this crazy sale. At around 10 p.m., I rushed from Orchard Road to F1 Pit Building. For those of you who don't know where that is, the F1 Pit Building is just nearby the Singapore Flyer.

Hence, the introduction photo at the beginning of this blog post.

i.e., this:
Added the photo here again for suspense. =)
Inside the bag was...

TADAHHH!!
Surprise unveiled.
My very first designer bag!!!

Can you believe it, in my 20 years of life, I have never ever ever once in my life owned a designer bag.

There was this dark period in my life when I thought bags from Roxy and MNG counted as designer bags. This period lasted waaay longer than I am proud of.

But what the heck. It's all over, my head is cleared, and I have my very own bag!!! One that I bought using my hard earned money, at that.

For those of you who are curious about the price, let me first say this:

I am not. NOT. In anyway showing off or flaunting my financial status by announcing the extravagant amount of money I spent on *just a bag*. I understand that I am not rich, and I am merely sharing my happiness of owning a designer bag with you readers.

However, I can't help it if you are bitter with envy coz I own a designer bag (which I worked very hard to save some money for) and you don't, and hence cover that envy by bringing me down by saying I am a show off.

So.

The retail price was $550, but it was sold for $399 at the sale. A further reduction of 10% was incurred during the last 30 minutes of the sale (it was closing at 11p.m., and I bought that bag at 10.30 p.m.) so I only paid $359 for it.


*beams proudly*


Thanks to my daddy for buying the Canon G12 for me!!!!



Sorry for the blur image. Not that my photography skills suck, but the mirror was awfully dirty and stained. 


Friday, 10 December 2010

the stripping analogy

Can someone please tell me that miracle happens?
-Hong Pin Yin-


Recently have been having lotsa random thoughts. Short thoughts, not enough to be put into a blog post.

But then I thought, what the heck, I'll just compile them into a single post.

Also coz I have this tendency to share whatever online. Also coz I think Facebook ain't such a good place coz it's like more public, and even though my blog's public, but at least it's mine and only people who are really interested in reading what I write would actually come here.

Analogous to, say, stripping.

Stripping is a private thing to do, and you obviously can't do it in public, coz people would get offended and you could get into trouble with the authorities. But you can be a stripper and strip in a strip club. Now, even though that strip club is public (i.e., anybody can go there), but it would be okay for you to strip there coz the people going there aren't going to be offended by what you're doing, coz that's what they're there for. To see you strip.

Sorry for the stripping analogy; I couldn't think of a better way of putting it. But there you go.

So.

Also another reason why I'm writing this is coz I wanted to push my previous blog post about my extravagant spending habits down. Didn't want it to show as the very first thing people see when they come to my blog, coz people might think I'm like showing off coz I'm rich or I can afford all those stuff, etc etc etc, which, in fact, is untrue. I was not showing off, merely ranting about how I am unable to control my spending habits which landed me with $30 in my pocket and $7 in the bank.

But I know some of you will insist that I'm showing off anyway. Whatever, what you think doesn't matter to me.

SO.

Random thoughts that I wanted to post on FB but thought it'd be better posted here instead:

8 a.m.: Damn, I'm like super early for work today, lets stroll a little slower to the bus stop.

10 a.m.: Should I get the HTC HD7 or a Prada bag? I only have enough cash for one of them...

11 a.m.: OMG SO HUNGRYYYYY

1 p.m.: I was just fantasizing. Wasn't really gonna get the HD7. My HD2 works fine still. I'll get a designer bag.

1.30 p.m.: I am going to kick the next person who asks me to get an iPhone instead of a HD7.

1.31 p.m.: iPhones are like damn overrated.

1.35 p.m.: Besides, I see iPhones EVERYWHERE, EVERYDAY. You know how many times I've seen MY PHONE in public? Once. After 7 months of using my phone, I have only seen ONE other person using it. See? My phone is unique. iPhone is common.

2.00 p.m.: Don't insult Windows by saying Android is better!! I own two phones, an Android and a Windows Mobile. I can make the comparisons myself, and up till now, I have no freaking idea how to operate an Android except to make calls and text people.

3.00 p.m.: I think I'm going to buy a bag. Yes, I'll go to that sale at Suntec next Sunday and see what I can grab.

3.15 p.m.: Booooooringggg...

3.16 p.m.: I think I shall talk to my supervisor to see if I can get work leave on Tuesday and Wednesday.

3.20 p.m.: YESH!!! NOT COMING TO WORK ON TUESDAY AND WEDNESDAY!!

3.45 p.m.: It seems that every Friday, I will feel like eating snake at work...

4.00 p.m.: In MMORPG games,most people have the misconception that the main goal is to level up as high as possible. They don't realize the main goal is to complete all the quests, and levelling is only one of the criterias to be eligible to complete some quests, or make it easier to do a quest. Hence, most people level up meaninglessly. In the end all they get is a high level with no achievements. Analogous to somebody growing old without growing up.

4.15 p.m.: OMG I want to go home so bad. Why does time move so slowly. Is it even moving at all?

4.30 p.m.: GO HOME!!!

4.40 p.m.: I think I shall delete some of my FB posts and put them on my blog instead. Somehow I think not everybody would appreciate what I write.

4.45 p.m.: Especially my last blog post about me spending too much. What if people misinterpret it as showing off?

5.30 p.m.: I'M HOOOOME!!!!

5.44 p.m.: Gosh, I hope nobody gets offended by my iPhone rant. Not that iPhone is bad or that I have anything against it, but was just thinking... "Hello, I prefer windows mobile and I prefer Windows 7 phone OS cannot is it??? You think iOS is the best OS in the world? Fine, I respect that. But IMO, Windows 7 phone OS is the best OS in the world."

5.45 p.m.: BTW, instead of including quotes by famous people at the beginning of every blog post, I should include quotes by real people. As in, my real friends. I browse through FB homepage and pick any random quote/status by a random friend and post it here. Makes things more interesting as well.

5.55 p.m.: Do you think people might actually come to my blog just to see if the quote I posted was from their FB status?

5.58 p.m.: AHH! Found a nice quote from Pin Yin. Okay, scrolling up and pasting it there... THERE! Done. =)

5.59 p.m.: Ooh, hungry. Where's that leftover cheesecake from last night's dinner...

Thursday, 25 November 2010

like newtons law

"Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong."
-Murphy's Law-

So the other day I was IM-ing.

(me in red, friend in green)

murphys law states that if u ever make a slight. reference or compliment of something good , it will become bad.
like for eg if u say "wow today is a sunny day" it will rain
ok from now on, i shall keep saying u're ugly ok?
so that the opposite will occur for u
ha! u can never outwit the murphy law
u cant purposely say something just to make the opposite occur
murphy can read ur mind and know when u are lying and when u are not
lols so powerful
is he a god or sth?
no
he is a law
like newtons law
like how newton knows how much force u are putting on an object (and hence he knows how much acceleration to put on it), murphy knows what your thoughts are
or like thermodynamics law
u are a science student u should know =S
so can u prove murphy law by numbers?
u prove to me zeroth law of thermo by numbers first
i'm sure some textbook will have the proof =)
and u know, i dun eat textbooks, so i cant regurgitate the proof out now
so ur point is some textbook has thermo law proof but doesnt have murphy law proof?
so can u help me find the proof?
the proof that murphy can tell whether u are lying or not
i dun eat textbooks either
sorry
lols
but where u learn abt murphy
is he some philosophist?
not much is known about the mysterious man who
founded this law based on mathematical theories so fundamental that even einstein did not understand his works
okay i go back will wiki him
his great works were hence rejected by the phycists and scientists of his time, turning instead their attention to einstein, as einsteins theories were much easier to comprehend.
not wanting to accept that they were of a much lower academic level than murphy, they rejected him and banned him from writings and records of all sorts
hence, not even the vast sea of Google has valid and true records of him
the whole world has ridiculed him as some sort of mythical creature, despised by the world of science and only regarded by old wives tales
wow u're so good

I got bored.

Sorry.

Wednesday, 17 November 2010

Not as good as buying a sweater from Burberry, but close enough.

You can't just ask customers what they want and then try to give that to them. By the time you get it built, they'll want something new.
- Steve Jobs -

Last weekend was like - full of excitement and surprises.

AFAX ANIME FESTIVAL!!!

It was the first time I attended something like this and, and, and, OMGTHECOSPLAYERS!!!

There were exhibitions, products for sale, and even 2 lil' cafe's inside!!! One with cute guys in suits serving lady customers (don't remember the name of the cafe tho), and another cafe (School Days Ver.) with really cute high school girls serving drooling (not literally but you get the point) guys. I wanted to go in (actually, I preferred going into the high-school-girl-cum-waitress-cafe coz the girls looked cuter) but the queue was like. damn. long.

A friend who actually went in, had to queue outside for 2 whole hours. @.@

Their food weren't cheap either. A piece of cake for $16. *Double @.@*

They even invited an anime voicer celebrity and had this anime dubbing session, which I unfortunately missed. Bummer.

Anyways. Despite their products being insanely expensive, I managed to grab some cheap ones.

You know how much I LOOOOVE Domo-kun?

*Don't? Now you do*

OMG DOMO-KUN MERCHANDISES MAKE ME DROOL!!


I also managed to take some photos of the cosplayers. Sorry for bad quality, I was using my phone (good quality ones stolen from Marcus' Fb):



School Days Ver Cafe



OMG EFFING CUTE


































MY fave!! Riku!








 Last but not least...

MY BELOVED DOMO-KUN DVD!! ONLY $15!!



Will go again next year!! Reminder to self: REMEMBER TO COSPLAY.

***

So after working for 5 months now, I unwittingly saved up enough to buy...

iMac!!!


Apple wireless keyboard! Nice.

Before removing protective wrapping.

Voila!

I love my new 21" iMac!

xoxo

ATTN: I am selling my Microsoft Arc Wireless keyboard. Original price $89, now going for $75 only!!! Only 2 weeks old, still in good condition (I take good care of my electronics, btw, I even had a keyboard protector for it), with 1 year warranty and still in full packaging. A very good kyboard, very satisfied with it. Would never have sold it for the world if not for the free wireless keyboard that came with my Mac. 


Given a choice, I would have chosen the Microsoft Arc over Apple Wireless keyboard anytime (personally, I think the Arc has better touch and better ergonomics), but the Arc is black, which doesn't look good with my silver Mac. So well... 


Actually, if you wanna buy my Apple wireless keyboard, I would consider it as well. Original price $98, your call. 


To help you decide, here's a link for Arc VS Apple.


Arc review here. 


Please buy 'em off me!!! I'm broke after all this gadget shopping!!



Right. Back to my Mac...

So Kevin and I explored around with the Photo Booth, as with what people usually do when they first get their Mac.

I always thought people posting photos of themselves and their friends/boyfriends goofing around and acting in Photo Booth are lame and plain show offs. Yeah, yeah, we know you've got an iMac. *scoffs*

But honestly, it was sooooo funnnn!!!!






















Aight, I'm off to JP to learn my knitting!!

Yes, I'm taking up knitting. Coz Kevin's 21st birthday is coming and I thought I'd knit him a sweater.

The knitting set (needles, wool, whatnots) cost me $276.

Including manpower fees, Kevin's sweater is worth more than $300, i.e., RM 700.

A RM700 sweater. Nice.

Not as good as buying a sweater from Burberry, but close enough.