Sunday, 11 August 2013

Feeling thankful, feeling happy, and feeling blessed is what I'm good at.

Oh Hai.

I'm back.

It's a Sunday and Ive not felt so depressed for a long time.

Self help books do help, to a certain extent. I'm happier than the average person, and I know how to make myself feel better. I know certain tricks and cheats to instantly make myself feel like I'm worth more.

Feeling thankful, feeling happy, and feeling blessed is what I'm good at. And why shouldn't I be? I have a high paying job (well, not yet, but the money is rolling in), a stable career, a loving boyfriend, and I'm living in a modern city. I can afford luxuries like weekend brunches, overseas vacations, the occasional shopping spree, and such. The mere fact that I'm living and breathing makes me happy already.

I usually have a high EQ, but not today.

Today I feel like fucking shit.

It's a fucking Sunday and I've got work undone and I'm just fucking procrastinating and getting mad at myself for wasting my day away and, oh, great! It's already almost 6pm and I've got absolutely nothing done. Nil. Nada.

What have I done since the instant I woke up? Basically waste my time away. I'm angry at myself for not managing my time well, and the more I get angry at myself, the more time I waste and the more time I waste, the angrier I get.

It's a fucking vicious cycle.

It's not like didn't try.

I tried to calm myself down by falling asleep but I ended up wasting a good half hour tossing and turning in bed. I tried making myself happy by imagining the beautiful sun up in the sky, when reality kicked in and I think "oh fuck, its already 6pm the fucking sun has been up and gone and I've not done a single productive thing". I then tried telling myself to be thankful for the things I still have: "Be thankful the day is not over yet, it's only 6pm!" and then BAM "yup, its fucking 6pm and its only SIX FUCKING HOURS LEFT till midnight and then it'll be Monday and I've got nothing done."

The fact that I'm ranting here isn't helping, neither is the fact that my boyfriend is happily on his laptop gaming his day away while I'm soaking and fuming in my own filthy shitty mood.

I know I shouldn't blame anyone for this; it's my own fault for making myself feel this way, but it's always been in the nature of humans to want to find someone to blame for everything.

But really, whose fault is it this time if not for mine?

What do I really want?

For time to fucking stop so that I can take a breather and calm myself down without wasting any time doing it. I need time to calm myself down, and thats time wasted and the more time that gets wasted, the less calm I get.

Again, a fucking vicious cycle.

I just wanna fucking scream. 

Wednesday, 6 March 2013


For all the misfortunes and stressful burdens I've had to face, I'm thankful for the tiny blessings that makes life worth living. 

To those who say they love being single, enjoy it while you can: You won't know when you'll meet that someone worth changing your mind for.

I wasn't always single. I once was in a long-term relationship, which, unfortunately for the both of us, ended. The guilt, grief and sadness was overwhelming. I resorted to bad habits such as binge eating, self-hurt, and hallucinations.

After the healing process, I began to enjoy singlehood. What's there not to love?

1. freedom
2. friends
3. flirting
4. being the centre of attention of all the guys.

I never thought I would ever enjoy being in a relationship ever again.

Not until I met you.

Baby, you give me more freedom that I could ask for. You're my best friend. You're the only person I could ever enjoy flirting with, and with me constantly being the centre of your attention, why would I ever need anyone else's?

Thanks for coming into my life and making me realize that being single is fun, but being in a relationship could make my life even more fun, enjoyable, and happier!


Friday, 11 January 2013

I am happy.

“It’s more selfless to act happy. It takes energy, generosity, and discipline to be unfailingly lighthearted, yet everyone takes the happy person for granted. No one is careful of his feelings or tries to keep his spirits high. He seems self sufficient; he becomes a cushion for others. And because happiness seems unforced, that person usually gets no credit. … Because she seemed happy, they assumed that her behavior was effortless. … Now I wonder how effortless this really is.”
-The Happiness Project, Gretchen Rubin-

As I was walking home from the MRT station today, I suddenly noticed the leaves falling gently and the nice cool breeze. I am usually a very fast walker (no thanks to Singapore’s fast paced culture) but just this once, I slowed down my pace, and suddenly I saw things in a different light. I was smiling to myself, and the 10 or so pedestrians who walked past me might have thought I was out of my mind, but I couldn’t help it. What is there not to be happy about?

The breeze was blowing in my hair. The trees looked beautiful. The sky was grey and calm. I could pull off walking effortlessly and elegantly in my 3-inch heels. I was in my favorite skirt. My favorite song was playing on my iPod. I had a book in my hand, an iPod in my bag, and gorgeous hair. I have awesome friends with whom I have awesome times. What else could one ask for?

Sure, just a few hours ago I had stained my panties bright red with blood. I had to force myself to ask a stranger for a change of sanitary pads. I’m unemployed and money is tight. I’m being kicked out of my own home due to renovations and am forced to temporarily live somewhere else, with a limited supply of clothes. My broken phone screen costs $300 to fix.

But you know what?

Rachel’s Guidelines to Living No. 14: You are happy now, not later. 

P.S.: Who says a woman on her period can't stay cheerful?