Wednesday, 30 June 2010

Game Over. No Replays.

"I wished relationships could be reformatted. Then I'd copy out the good stuff, erase the bad, reformat everything, rewrite our story, and then all that's left would be our love and happiness that would last us for the rest of our lives."

Right.

Here I am, just up, teeth unbrushed, face unwashed.

Don't mind me, I'm just in one of my emo moods right now.

It's already 1.30 p.m. and I haven't had my lunch yet. I set my alarm at 9 a.m. last night; goodness knows how it turns out that I awake at 1.30 in the afternoon instead.

I don't know why, but I felt the urge to blog. Not sure about what, but just wanted to share.

Last night was...

Frightening.

People are telling me different things. I do, I don't, I do, I don't... and then that person comes and tell me I don't, and then I'm not sure anymore.

I know I shouldn't let people tell me what I feel, I should tell myself how I feel. Thing is, sometimes it's just easier if there was this know-it-all telling me what I ought to do and what I ought not to do, and then I wouldn't have to get so tensed up thinking about it anymore.

I remember how when I was a kid, my parents made all the decisions for me and all I had to do was obey them. Of course, I wasn't too happy about that at the time, but now I kinda wished life was like that all over again.


Responsibilities and independence scare the hell outta me.

I know I'm not being very responsible saying all these; I am growing up and it is my responsibility to take hold of the reins of my own life and steer it.

It's just that, I'm scared.

What if I made the wrong choice and I had to live with the regrets that come with it for the rest of my life?

This lil game called life, it's a great game. It's nice to play and all, but there's just one function lacking. There's no "save game" option, and there's no "Game Over. Replay? 10... 9... 8... (press any button to continue)" .

The problem with this game is that you have only one chance, and one chance only. If it's game over, it's game over as in, "Game Over. No Replays".

As confusing as it is, there is just this last thought lingering around. If I didn't care at all, why would I get so stressed up and confused over it? Wouldn't I just ignore it? The fact that I am sitting around giving myself white hairs over it - doesn't it prove something? Doesn't it shows that I do, in fact, care?

I don't know. Maybe the long holidays are getting ahead of me. If only I had something to occupy myself, maybe I wouldn't be so confused. Maybe then, I'd have an idea of what I want.

Whatever it is, I guess all I wanna say is, I'm going to give it another shot.


If you're reading this, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything I ever did to hurt you, and I'm sorry that I'm this stupid girl who gets confused at about everything, and I'm sorry I can't be a better person. I feel so stupid and dumb right now, and all I am wishing for is for you to be right beside me, telling me everything is going to be okay, that we'll be together, and we'll be the two happiest people in the whole world. I know the past few days have been tough. I know we've lots of unfinished business between us, and the more I think about it, the more I think it's piling up so high that I don't even know where to start clearing off. I don't know if this is love, but all I know is, I miss you and I want to spend time just being with you.

Been rotting away in NTU for the past 2 weeks now. As I quote Pook Seng, mushrooms are growing out of my head.

Like so:

Lol-ness. (I love my hair. I think I have one of the most beautiful, straight, smooth hairs I have ever seen.)

Anyways. Tomorrow will be my first day of work at ExxonMobil. Wish me luck, coz I have a feeling I'll pretty much need it.

Side note, I was randomly surfing the net when I stumbled upon this guy Julien Martinez. I love his art. Click here to view. I personally love the carousel, too.

Here's his version of Alice in Wonderland, which is currently my wallpaper:

Click for larger view.

Okay, going to brush my teeth now.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

I would like to exchange links with your site raedarlingz.blogspot.com
Is this possible?

raedarling said...

sure, but what is your link? :/