Sunday, 11 August 2013

Feeling thankful, feeling happy, and feeling blessed is what I'm good at.

Oh Hai.

I'm back.

It's a Sunday and Ive not felt so depressed for a long time.

Self help books do help, to a certain extent. I'm happier than the average person, and I know how to make myself feel better. I know certain tricks and cheats to instantly make myself feel like I'm worth more.

Feeling thankful, feeling happy, and feeling blessed is what I'm good at. And why shouldn't I be? I have a high paying job (well, not yet, but the money is rolling in), a stable career, a loving boyfriend, and I'm living in a modern city. I can afford luxuries like weekend brunches, overseas vacations, the occasional shopping spree, and such. The mere fact that I'm living and breathing makes me happy already.

I usually have a high EQ, but not today.

Today I feel like fucking shit.

It's a fucking Sunday and I've got work undone and I'm just fucking procrastinating and getting mad at myself for wasting my day away and, oh, great! It's already almost 6pm and I've got absolutely nothing done. Nil. Nada.

What have I done since the instant I woke up? Basically waste my time away. I'm angry at myself for not managing my time well, and the more I get angry at myself, the more time I waste and the more time I waste, the angrier I get.

It's a fucking vicious cycle.

It's not like didn't try.

I tried to calm myself down by falling asleep but I ended up wasting a good half hour tossing and turning in bed. I tried making myself happy by imagining the beautiful sun up in the sky, when reality kicked in and I think "oh fuck, its already 6pm the fucking sun has been up and gone and I've not done a single productive thing". I then tried telling myself to be thankful for the things I still have: "Be thankful the day is not over yet, it's only 6pm!" and then BAM "yup, its fucking 6pm and its only SIX FUCKING HOURS LEFT till midnight and then it'll be Monday and I've got nothing done."

The fact that I'm ranting here isn't helping, neither is the fact that my boyfriend is happily on his laptop gaming his day away while I'm soaking and fuming in my own filthy shitty mood.

I know I shouldn't blame anyone for this; it's my own fault for making myself feel this way, but it's always been in the nature of humans to want to find someone to blame for everything.

But really, whose fault is it this time if not for mine?

What do I really want?

For time to fucking stop so that I can take a breather and calm myself down without wasting any time doing it. I need time to calm myself down, and thats time wasted and the more time that gets wasted, the less calm I get.

Again, a fucking vicious cycle.

I just wanna fucking scream. 

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