Emo

It's funny how the holidays make people go emo. I guess lack of studying and stress does make you think more about your real purpose in life. It kinda makes you think about what you're doing right now, and all of a sudden, it seems like your life is filled with the emptiness of studying, studying, and more studying, with the occasional play times.

Also, how people change. Physically, mentally, emotionally.

"Your're worse than a Shinigami. Shiori really loved you deeply. Did you ever loved her?"

"I'm not sure."

-Ryuuku and Yagami Light, Death Note-

The more you think about it, the more confused you get.

Then, the more complicated stuff comes in. Like how you've wasted the first quarter of your life doing absolutely nothing, and how it might just as well continue this way for the next three quarters.

What have I done? Like, really. What real things have I done?

I'm turning 19 in another six months, and I can't even recall what I've done all this while to get this grown up already.

Speaking of which, is there actually any special requirements for a person to be considered a grown up?

I'm beginning to believe that nobody really turns into a grown up. They are just because we think they are.

What do people think of me?

I don't think I will ever get to know.

Nobody ever sees this emo side of me. Outside, I'm a fun-loving, outgoing and extroverted person, but when it comes down to personal matters, I'm just a young, helpless, confused kid who doesn't know what to do with her life.

Lately, I have been browsing through people's friendster profiles, and I've got this feeling of unspeakable emptiness and delusion which just gets stronger and stronger.

I don't know why.

The more friendster photos I view, the more I think "Who are they?", even if they're my close friends and the more closely I see their faces, the more they get illusionally distorted. I know it's all in my mind, but it sort of makes me think what people really are.

Are they aliens? Immature beings who, like me, don't really know what they're doing with their lives? I mean, even if I were to try to do something 'meaningful' like volunteer work, helping out in the orphanage, donating to the needy and such, I'd probably be doing it for 'aimless' people, which, in turn, makes my voluntary work seem pretty aimless too. What then, is the point of doing anything at all?

We might as well all be dead.

I view people's photos and I see lots of different things. Mostly, I see people smiling.

And sometimes, when they smile too much, I start to hate them.

Maybe I'm just very bored.

Or maybe I'm just thinking too much.


难道开心的事，我就特别不在意吗？ 伤心，是为了什么？为什么伤心就是不好的呢？

-Ah Cheng, Cheng's Friendster blog-

The second semester will be starting soon. That should stop the emo-ness.

Don't worry, I won't kill myself just yet. I still have my four years of university life to complete.

P.S.: I'm going to eat chocolate fondue at Haagan Daz tonight!!!!!! I *heart* chocolate!