Raedarling: I blame me

Thursday, 3 July 2008

I blame me

First of all, CONGRATS TO JASRYN FOR HAVING HER DREAM COME TRUE!!!

Am happy for you.

Really.

***

So far, not many people has responded to my farewell party invitation.

Sad case.

***

I trusted the wrong person. I made wrong judgements. I was stupid and naive.

I thought I was smart. I planned my moves. I thought I could manipulate people. I thought I was in control. But somehow, I made a mistake and now there's no turning back.

I slipped.

I have to bear the consequences.

People hate me. I've lost my dignity. I've lost a best friend.

I cried.

Yes, I cried. Over the best friend that I loved so much, I cried. I really hoped we could be friends forever. It's painful to lose someone you love. Hearing those hurtful words with my own ears, my heart broke in two.

"I'm sorry, but I don't think I can be your friend anymore."

After all the happy times we had together, this is how it has to end.

It hurt. A lot.

The person whom I trusted broke his promise, betrayed me, aroused tension within my family, ruined my dignity, and made my best friend hate me.

I blame my own carelessness.

However, this isn't the end. In fact, it has just begun to get interesting. I'm gonna make him pay. For my sufferings that he has caused and for making me lose my best friend, he will pay.

The future sure is interesting.

In psychological and interpersonal relationship wars, I win.

I always win.

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Everything you should know.

I live in a modern city called Singapore. I believe that what you do does not determine who you are.

I love pink, ice cream, movies, computer games, shopping, designer bags, and all gadgets and gizmos.

I am someone who lives in the moment. Some people may view me as the type who is carefree, nonchalant and not generally concerned about my affairs, or as some may put it, a "couldn't-be-bothered" attitude. However, the truth is that when I am put under pressure, I tend to hide my true feelings of anxiety and panic, and I put on a calm appearance. When faced with problems, I try to put on a strong face and be okay, even though I may not be. I generally try to see the brighter side of things and be happy. This has led to some people assuming that I just don't bother to be concerned about things, while I actually do.

I also enjoy meeting new people and talking to people. I enjoy telling people about myself and sharing my life experiences, as well as listening to their stories. I believe that there is something to learn from everyone, regardless of their age, gender, social background, or status. I feel energized and motivated when I am talking to people, because I know that I can always learn something new from each conversation.

I love digital art and I enjoy sketching on my iPad, though I wished my skills were better. Occasionally, I do pen and paper sketches too. I have an interest in singing and dancing, though I'll have to admit, I don't have much talent for that.

I enjoy curling up in bed with a good book, something I do less often than I should, no thanks to my busy and hectic life.

I am an avid movie goer. While most find it satisfactory to catch a movie once a month, I demand my weekly movie dosage. I have a huge fascination for movies featuring the living, flesh eating dead and I religiously watch every single one of them.

Let them laugh - I hold fast to my principles and values regardless of how others view me.

I continuously remind myself that failing is fun, and that everything is an experience.

I may procrastinate at times, and it is something I am trying to change. My living space can be a little messy at times, and maybe also a little disorganized. I wished I could be more organized than I currently am, and this is also something I am striving to achieve. However, I believe that a little bit of disorganization shows personality and creativity.

People motivate me. However, I can sometimes feel pressured and intimidated by someone whom I regard a higher status than I am, in terms of experience and maturity. With regards to these people, I tend to speak less and listen more, for fear of being ridiculed for saying something shallow. I realize that this is something I need to work on, and I am trying my best to improve my confidence.

I have done things I am not proud of, some of which I'd rather not say. I am not perfect. Sometimes I make bad choices. some may think I'm a bad person, but I don't care. I say what I want to say and I do what I want to do without worrying about what others think.

I aspire everyday to become a better person and I am constantly stiriving to improve myself to be a more confident, independent and courageous woman.