Septum

I was teaching Science today, in the General Science Lab.

The students were doing some exercises I had given them when one student raised her hand and asked:

"Teacher, what is a septum?"

Uh....uh....

Think. Think. Think.

Oh, shit.

Shit, shit, shit.

It's...uh...something to do with the blood circulation thingy...

Damn, I just can't remember!!!

"Err... Please hold on while I find out for you, okay?"

*Student nods skeptically*

And I frantically searched my whole reference book, in vain.

Last resort...

I fished out my cell phone (my beloved savior!!!) and crouched under the table before phoning Mr. Han (the bestest Biology teacher in the world), who was having his lesson in the Biology Lab, just about three classrooms away from the General Science Lab. I know I could have walked. If you were in my position, you'd know why I didn't.

Beep, beep. Beep, beep.

Mr Han: Hello?
Me: Sir!!! I need your help!!!
Mr Han: *surprised (who wouldn't be?)* Huh? Rachel?
Me: What is septum????
Mr Han: Oh... The wall that separates the left and right ventricle lah. Duh. (No, he didn't really say that, but I could sense it in his voice).
Me: Oh yeah!!!!!

Now I remember...

Me: Thanks! Bye!!!!

"Uh, whoever that asked me what septum is, it's the wall which separates the left and right ventricle."

First day of school

Today was my first day of school.

As a high school teacher.

I almost died.

Most (or almost all) of the stuff that happened today is kinda private. I can't post them here for fear of getting myself fired or losing all respect from my students.

I suggest you come talk to me personally. I've got lots of stories to tell.

It won't be boring. Promise.

A girl's essential guide to safety.

There are more and more sex maniacs around these days. Therefore, as a caring blogger, it is my obligation to extend my deepest, most profound concern to all my beloved female readers out there. Despite the sad, miserable failure of my first campaign, I am going to run my second campaign, For The Safety Of Girls. It is my sincere hope that through this campaign, my efforts will effectively curb the increase of rape cases.

What do you do if you get raped?

1. DO NOT clean yourself. The semen on your body is good evidence. Go straight to the nearest police station you can find.

2. Be prepared to be open about it and to explain in detail about the whole situation and everything that happened.

How to avoid being raped?

1. Avoid secluded and desolate areas.

2. Never leave your drink unattended.

3. Take some time off your schedule to learn up martial arts.

4. Keep a bottle of pepper spray with you at all times.

....


You didn't really think I was serious about that, did you?

I would be so disappointed if you did.

At Raedarling, you can expect more eccentric advices than those boring ones mentioned above.

So, what do you do if you get raped?

RAPE THEM BACK LAH!!!

Duhhhh.

Nothing feels better than sweet, sweet revenge.

You could either force your attacker's penis into your vagina (if you want sexual pleasure for yourself) or you could stick a cactus into the asshole's asshole. Or, for maximum pleasure, do both. It's your choice. Either way, you lower their ego much more than you could ever imagine. So much that your loss of self worth (due to being raped) would be considered negligible.

A small cactus can easily be purchased at any gardening store at a very low price. Remember to keep it with you at all times.

Another good idea is to give your attackers a blow job. With some additional changes. You know, to increase the pleasure.

Bite their penises. Hard. Real f**king hard. (It's also a good idea to sharpen your teeth for this trick, if you don't mind looking like a vampire.)

How to avoid being raped?

The penis is one of the most sensitive parts of a male's body. If you see a potential rapist coming your way, quickly strip and show him your vagina in full view. Then, produce a bottle of concentrated sulphuric acid (H2SO4) and pour it into your vagina. Make sure he witnesses the entire demonstration. I suggest keeping a small bottle of sulphuric acid with you at all times.

You know the cruel bear traps hunters sometime use to catch wild animals? Get a miniature one. You know where to fix it.

These traps are so strong they can actually break a dog's leg.

One word. Ouch.

However, if you think all the steps mentioned above are too much of a hassle, there is an easier alternative.

Stay at home, and don't let anyone else into the house.

Instant Boypren Machine

I came across Lynn's Instant Boypren Machine.

I so want to try it out.

According to her, it won't be a capsule machine. I can actually choose which guy I want!!! Is that what the buttons are for? To pick out my own specifications?

Hmm...

I want a rich, handsome, and smart boypren. He has to be older than me (of course, technically he'll be a new born since he just popped out of his 'momma') and has lots of wit, confidence, and charm. He has to be well equipped with chunks of knowledge and has the answer to everything but at the same time still maintain that boyish himbo (the male version of bimbo) charisma. He will also be required to love me with all his heart and soul and his only reason for living shall be me and me alone. He shall take great care in attending to my smallest whim and pay close attention to my each and every need. He will also lavish me with expensive gifts and bring me on his personal cruise to visit exotic places. We will walk on beaches with the whitest and finest sand, we will witness the most beautiful sunsets from the top of the highest mountains, and we will breathe the cleanest, freshest air of all times.

But Lynn said there's no coin slot one wor. How do I pay for him? I know!!! I put my Touch 'n Go card on the little screen on top can? The screen can double as a scanner. Then the machine can just deduct from the amount I have in my card.

I'll have to tell Lynn about the upgrade.

I hope this boypren thingy got guarantee one lor. Just in case he malfunctions. Eh, Lynn, if my boypren malfunctions, can I change for a new one or not?

You know, like if he makes me cry, decides not to buy me stuff, or finally realises that I'm too stubborn and selfish?

Then he go on strike leh????

Wahhh then waste my money nia.

Oh, well. He's just temporary anyway. Until I get a real mate, I'll use the Boypren as my 'water float'.

The previous sentence indicates that I'm still looking for a mate, hor. You know what that means.

Hint, hint.

Maybe I should invent one of those machines someday. The pure-bred smart male species seem to be deteriorating.

Exponentially.

Gosh.

I'm a Resident Evil star.

Yeah, you said it. I've been having a severe case of blogger's block. Guess we're in the same boat, huh? Sucks, doesn't it?

=(

My beloved readers, I know I haven't been updating my blog for a very long time.

Soooooooooo Sorrriiieeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As an apology, I have uploaded some photos of my hamsters.

Cute leh...

They just love yogurt; they can't stop licking the leftovers off my spoon. Oh and they're crazy about chocolates. Especially Toblerone.

Lucky hamsters, they are. I know. They're mine, if you haven't figured.

I think I've fed them too much, though. Fifi is now so overweight that she has difficulty turning over when I place her upside down.

Or maybe it's because she is pregnant.

Anyway, I'm going to begin teaching this Monday!!!! This weekend shall be dedicated to shopping for new 'teaching clothes'.

Must wear decent clothes to give good image to the kids so that they can grow to be good people.

=_="

If that sentence doesn't stop repeating itself in my head, I might begin to believe in it.

I forced my eyelids open this morning (at the ungodly hour of seven a.m.) to finalize some 'stuff' at the Education Department.

Waking up at seven in the morning is fine, provided I go to bed early.

So you could say I was rather fortunate when last night, (or rather, this morning) at 12 a.m., I felt a headache coming.

Yay!!! Headache means can sleep! Can sleep means can wake up early!!!

I went to bed at 1 a.m. Still can get 6 hours of sleep. Good enough, right?

Toss. Turn. Toss. Turn. Toss. Turn. Toss. Turn.

By 2 a.m., I was still doing the drill.

Fortunate, my ass.

At 2.40 a.m., I gave up sleeping. I manicured my nails. Of course, I didn't do a very good job because my eyes were only half open and half my consciousness was in dreamland.

At 3, my phone rang. Talked to Xing till 4.

Toss. Turn. Toss. Turn. Toss. Turn. Toss. Turn.

4.30 a.m., I sent Kevin a message.

Oi! I can't sleep. So I'm disturbing you.

I knew he was probably sleeping so it was kind of unexpected when I received a reply from him 5 minutes later.

I pow u ar!!! You woke me up from my sleep! Go count sheep la.

I replied,

It's too dark. So I can't see. So I can't count. So I can't sleep. So I disturb you.

He didn't reply after that.

Toss. Turn. Toss. Turn. Toss. Turn. Toss. Turn.

At 5.30 a.m., I heard the maid's alarm clock ringing.

Dang. The maid is already awake and I've not fallen asleep yet.

I finally fell asleep at SIX IN THE MORNING.

STUPID ALARM CLOCK WOKE ME UP AT SEVEN.

Remember the undead in Resident Evil? Go figure.

Ant (singular, not plural)

I was popping pimples a little while ago. Yes, they're MY pimples.

Another reason to celebrate.

Yesssss!!! Even Rachel, known for her flawless complexion has PIMPLES!!! She's human! just like us!!

And so, I was popping my pimples.

I wish they'd just go away. I so freaking hate them. (I meant my pimples, not the people being joyous for them.)

As I was saying, I was popping my pimples.

Popping pimples. Popping pimples. Popping pimples.

The more I say it, the more the phrase seems like it isn't made up of understandable words, but gibberish blabble. Like pippopopipa. Or pipipapopape. Or pimple paranoia (I know that's not really gibberish. I just thought of typing it there because that's how I'm feeling right now).

Ahem.

AS I WAS SAYING, I was popping my pimples.

I never get to my point, do I? Sigh... Why is it that my brain keeps diverting from what I want to say? But that's pretty much the art of blogging, isn't it (correct me if I'm wrong)? Having ideas flowing in all the time, and before you know it, your blog entry has become an entire novel...

Oops. I paused for a moment, and all my ideas are gone.

Good, now I can get to my point.

I. Was. Popping. My. Pimples.

As I was just doing that, I noticed an ant. It seemed pretty lost in a jungle of hair. My hair. Or, more precisely, my eyebrow hair.

That's right. An ant (don't ask me how it got there) lost it's way out in my jungle of eyebrow hair.

I watched it scrambling about for a little while (I've already gotten over my seemingly absurd fear of small bugs a long time ago; bigger bugs still freak me out a little) before picking it out with my pimple-popping tool. And I accidentally squished it to death.

A bug just died in close proximity to me.

Which is coincidentally the most disgusting thing that I could ever imagine happening to me. A bug just died, with it's body still in contact with my skin and my pimple-popper tool (I don't know what to call it so I call it pimple-popper lor). Not only has my eyebrow gotten eww-ingly contaminated, but my pimple-popper isn't hygienic enough for my use anymore.

And then, I noticed my hamsters' tank was full of ants as well. I guess it's due to the unfinished piece of carrot I fed them three days ago. I know. Yuck. Don't rub it in. I've learned my lesson.

Lesson learnt: I will never feed my hamsters carrots ever again.

Moral of the story: Ask the maid to do it.

Eh, cannot say one, what. Maybe the carrots that my maid feeds won't be sweet leh? There is a possibility, right? Right???

=)

I'm just too lazy to upload the photos of my hamsters. You'll just have to imagine their cuteness. Or be patient and wait for the day when I might suddenly get inspired to upload them. Which, of course, will be assumably most unlikely.

A thousand apologies.

P.S.: I know I'm being a drama queen about the ant contaminating me and my stuff part; I understand that bacterias can do more damage than one tiny ant. Nonetheless. I still think it's... Eww.

I'm a Christian. So what?

I signed up at a dating site last month (no, I'm not that desperate, I was just bored and I thought it'd be nice to meet new people) called OkCupid.

I love this site because it asks questions - you just answer as many as you can; they're endless - and it compares you to other people according to how you've answered. So far, I've answered about 300 questions. There's still more to come. The cool part is that they allow you to search for the most compatible matches from all around the world. Which means people with answers most similar to yours.

It's fun to see how many people actually are in tune with me.

Then, messages began pouring in. All of them were from guys.

I was cool with that.

Until I made friends with this guy.

He sent me a message saying that he was interested in me. So we chatted on MSN.

Adults, DO NOT FREAK OUT. I WILL NOT GET RAPED, CHEATED OR KIDNAPPED.

We touched on the topic of Christianity. I told him I'd keep my virginity till my wedding night.

He asked me why.

I gave him the most simple answer I could think of.

"Because my religion prohibits me to have sex before marriage so I'll obey it."

He asked, "Why do you obey your religion then?"

Me: Because I believe God exists.
Him: If God exists, why must we not have sex?

He missed out the "before marriage" part.

Me: Because God says we must not have sex before marriage.
Him: How are you so sure a god has told you so?
Me: I believe what the Bible says is God's word.
Him: Pathetic. Another Christian Asian. Why do you believe in it? And why is it better than any other religion?
Me: I'm not saying that it's better than other religions. I'm born a Christian and brought up this way. So I'll believe in what I'm taught.
Him: You can change it. I was born into Christian family too. But I have a brain, I can decide.
Me: But I want to believe in God.
Him: You have been brainwashed since birth.
Me: Maybe you can call me brainwashed, but I believe in it. I won't blame others if they don't, but I want to.

And he stopped reply my messages.

The next day, I send him a message in OkCupid. I actually apologized, just in case I pissed him off in the previous day's conversation.

You know what he replied?

Yeah, we're educated, it can happen. I didn't read your blog. I rarely deal with blogs, they are mostly the endless ranting of somebody who just wants attention. I am not really interested to read about your daily thoughts or anything close to that... So if you are still free, you can go find a nice dumb christian boy or anything, to talk on and on and on to him, as he pretends to listen while staring at your obviously small boobs... Over your clothes of course, that's as close as he will ever get to them before he gets bored of you. Sorry but I will not waste any more time on you. So, fr me you are history. Obsolete like your ridiculous, fascist, monotheistic religion. Get the fuck out of here and stay away. And no I am almost never like that, I probably just ignore christian stupidity online, but I have never met any moron as overzealous as you are. I pity your burnt braincells. I only hope you are barren, so you won't pass that religious poison to any kids you might have. You can cry now.

......

His parents never teach him how to respect others' religion one is it? And my boobs are NOT SMALL okay!!!! They're actually pretty huge. (I know, because I have received compliments.)

This is the first time in my entire life I have been ridiculed just because of my religion.

Now I see what they mean when they say being a Christian isn't easy. I'll admit, I did feel a little like crying after reading his reply (I actually apologized for something I didn't do and that's how he responded!), but I mostly felt anger.

Today, I've seen more of the world and I've gained a new experience.

I'm still learning.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Just a formality. I'm not celebrating it.

pee, poo, cum.

I was randomly surfing the net as usual when I stumbled upon a game called Monkey Kick Off. The rules are simple. You are a monkey and you try to kick a ball as far as possible. My highest score was 4776.

BEAT MY SCORE!!!

I'll bet you my sanity you can't.

I also came across this cute product called Pee and Poo. They're a pair of yellow and brown plushies. From it's name, you can bet what they resemble.

It's awfully, awfully, awfully cute lor. I wish they sold them in Malaysia.

They have other products, too. T-shirts, undies, key chains, socks,etc. They even have tattoos!!! The undies are like super cute. It has a picture of Pee on the front and Poo on the back. Pretty symbolic, if you asked me. It can also serve as an educational tool for kids who are still learning what comes out of their front and rear.

Of course, excluding cum and the sort.

Do visit their site. www.peeandpoo.com.

Maybe when I grow up, I'll do something more innovative which says Pee, Poo and Cum.

Pee would be in the form of a yellow water drop, Poo a pile of cone-shaped shit, and Cum a glob of white, icky paste. They'll be collectibles and can only be purchased from Gachapons (Gachapons are those machines in which you feed them some coins, turn a knob, and out pops a little egg-shaped thingy with your prize inside), with Cum being the rarest of all. Only one of the lucky few will have the priviledge to claim the ownership of the complete set.

Teenagers and young adults will be so obsessed over Pee, Poo and Cum that they'll spend all their pocket money on them. PPC will be everywhere. They'll be hanging on bathroom doors, sitting on cars' dashboards, dangling on backpacks, lying on beds, being printed on undies and t-shirts, and even being shaped into dildos and printed on condoms. Maybe I could even do a blow-up doll version of them! Of course, there'll be the problem of having to print a manual of how to have sex with your own excrements...

Oh, well.

I'll establish franchise after franchise until the whole world know no other colors other than yellow, brown and white.

I'll be rich!!! Famous!!! Successful!! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Alright, I'll stop dreaming now.

But hor, imagine if I actually get famous and all. I might even get Oprah to interview me on what inspired me and how I got successful. Then, I might even get her to purchase a set from me!

Then, I'll have 5 golden cums scattered all over the world so that only FIVE lucky people from around the world gets to own it! (Yeah, it'd be something like the five Golden Tickets from Charlie And The Chocolate Factory.)

Imagine! Golden cums! What could ever get more interesting than that?

Okay, okay. I'll stop dreaming.

Oh, yes. Happy Valentine's day to all my beloved readers. Single, complicated, or attached, lets all celebrate the joy of love.

By the way, I'm single. *hint, hint*

Update: I played Monkey Kick Off again and I got a higher score this time. Beat this latest score.

CNY

Sorry for the temporary absence. I was busy celebrating Chinese New Year.

Took a 4 hour drive from Perak back to Penang.

CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT TRAFFIC JAMS HAPPEN EVEN ON HIGHWAYS????

I sat in the car for 4 freaking hours. If my leg cramps didn't kill me, I bet the boredom did, because I felt like a zombie in there.

Went for a BBQ steamboat buffet after that. It was supposed to be farewell party for Jia, Yi Hui and Michele.

Then, we played poker cards at Coffee Bean. Lost 15 bucks, and went home a very tired and sleepy pauper. Fell asleep at 5 in the morning.

This morning, Yokey called me and demanded I wake up. AT 11 IN THE FREAKING MORNING.

EH, I SLEPT AT 5 A.M. AND NOW I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT 11 A.M. YOU KNOW!! NOW I'M SUPER SLEEPY LAAAAAAAA!

Went to Bird's house and played a little Mahjong (it was hard to master, so we played it the ameteur style). Then, we staked all our cash at Black Jack. Bird lost like more than 50 bucks, I think. I won RM 40. I'm happy.

You know, yesterday Ee Ping complained that "Your blog mia English very chim la! Some words I don't understand!".

So I said to solve the problem, I'll run two blogs at once. One with high English standard, and another one with a lower standard. So that people from all walks of life (or rather, all standards of English) can have the opportunity to enjoy my blog. I was actually considering creating a new blog with the URL www.raedarlingzMadeEasy.blogspot.com. Haha.

Next time lah, when I actually take the initiative to do it.

For now, I'm just way too damned lazy.

Oh, yeah!!!! Let me tell you how I celebrated my Chinese New Year.

On the first day, I woke up feeling horribly groggy (due to my constant lack of sleep) but I immediately felt much better when the married people started giving out red packets.

CASH!!!!! YAY!!!!

And then, the usual. Eating, showing off our new clothes, shopping, watching TV, Mahjong-ing, etc.

Oh, and we watched CJ7 on the first night of CNY, too. Funny movie.

I swear I put on 10 pounds after CNY.

Xing bought me two hamsters for Valentine's Day. I named them Fifi and Fufu. I know those names are weird. Not my fault. Kevin suggested them. ( I know you're thinking that it's still my fault for accepting his suggestions, but who cares. I say it's his fault, so it is. So there.)

Yokey renamed them Fluffy and Rambutan. Sheesh.

I took lotsa photos of them, but I'm way too lazy to transfer them to my PC right now. Maybe I'll do it tomorrow.

And about that Raedarlingz Made Easy, I'll get around to it. Just not that soon.

Ee Ping, patient ya.... Haha blek.

cupid

I will not let cupid victimize me. I will not let cupid victimize me. I will not let cupid victimize me. I will not let cupid victimize me. I will not let cupid victimize me. I will not let cupid victimize me. I will not let cupid victimize me. I will not let cupid victimize me. I will not let cupid victimize me. I will not let cupid victimize me. I will not let cupid victimize me. I will not let cupid victimize me. I will not let cupid victimize me. I will not let cupid victimize me. I will not let cupid victimize me. I will not let cupid victimize me. I will not let cupid victimize me. I will not let cupid victimize me. I will not let cupid victimize me. I will not let cupid victimize me. I will not let cupid victimize me. I will not let cupid victimize me. I will not let cupid victimize me. I will not let cupid victimize me. I will not let cupid victimize me. I will not let cupid victimize me.....

HA, CUPID, YOU MISSED!!!!!
.........

......

...

Eh?

Damn, he got me.

Why didn't anyone warn me that Cupid has upgraded his bow and arrow for a stealth riffle?

P.S. : Happy 18th birthday, Kevin!!!